Story 113

I want to share my story of how I see the world now, not living bound to an NDA. I also want to share the detrimental effects of the threat of being bound by an NDA.

Leading up to mediation in Spring of 2023 with my former federal employer, I was under the impression that there were two options: to sign an NDA in exchange for damages, or reach no settlement and await the backlogged, trauma-infested tribunal system. This is the way the employment world had been functioning (still functions). The scare tactic of silencing is the norm.

For more than three years while my former employer had behaved as though I was already bound to confidentiality after being sexually assaulted and harassed multiple times, there was nothing that could prepare me for settling in fear of the power-hungry system.

A co-worker lifted my shirt and he admitted to it on record. Three investigators later, it was found that any male worker could have had their shirt lifted up as well. One investigator even stated that they were careful not to review any of my documentation as it would lead him to investigate the employer for their own wrongdoings. This investigator private messaged me after his investigation results were retracted.

I went into mediation with confidence that my voice mattered. The supporting documents easily corroborated the wrongdoing that happened to me, but it wasn’t about the evidence this time. This mediation was more about healing on my own terms. I would not settle for an NDA. I had also accepted that not following through with the tribunal process was an option I’d consider if the mediation was unsuccessful. Though knowing myself, I’d be determined to see this grievance process until the end.

Moving forward with life was critical by this point. I had moved my belongings into storage and I had turned my pickup truck into my mobile home. I was broke from lawyer fees and likely stress-induced health issues. Despite this, I was preparing to settle for no monetary damages at mediation. The principle of healing on my own terms (utilizing my voice that I’d established should our future society benefit from it) meant more to me than having somewhere permanent to call home.

I have some imposter syndrome to the fact that I’m not bound to an NDA, and we settled some damages. (These I cannot disclose.) Although I achieved both the ability to speak freely and settled some damages, there will never be full reparation between Parks Canada and I.

I can walk with my head held high knowing that somewhere the achievement of navigating the storm to settle without an NDA might be worth something someday: how I view the world now, and what I’m able to contribute because I’m not tied to an NDA.

The employer regularly used the term “(my) version of events”… Though who was right and wrong will never be written in stone, there was only one truth, or version. Was that worth giving up to an NDA? Absolutely not. And not even if I chose to never escalate my case to the final grievance stages. I could live knowing I still have access to shattering proof that workplace malpractice isn’t make belief. Wrongdoing has been compiling in stories we can’t hear due to NDAs.

If my experiences could let just one person know that they weren’t alone, I wanted that for community-sake. I was driven to hold onto this piece of me that meant more than an employer’s opinion of me. Somehow I’ve never wavered from believing in my self worth as I knew it to be before I lost pieces of myself along the way.

Though I was broke, I had some resources to make do with living out of my pickup truck temporarily. My future wasn’t certain, but I knew it was important to walk away with my voice. Some of those who’ve been wronged don’t have any bare minimum resources, or maybe they’re burnt out from facing the system, and they’re left to accept settlements in exchange for their silence.

Something material is better than nothing right?

As mentally exhausting as this was to accept, I disagree.

NDAs are detrimental to society, to our economy, and frankly it’s horrific that we question whether life is worth living. Though I wouldn’t change the goodness I’ve been so blessed to have in my life now, I lost nearly five years of myself. I’m flooded with scarring memories of those years due to navigating a system filled with dampened hopes and false promises from people at the top of the food chain.

The long-term effects of fearing an NDA in the first place will haunt me forever. The system makes it appear impossible to speak truth. This is why most victims of workplace violence don’t report.

I contemplated taking my own life because my truth felt embarrassing to hold on to in silence; that nothing that had happened to me mattered because my story would end in an NDA anyway. That I’d always be that person who disappeared after fighting to keep her job, then herself. And if I couldn’t help myself then I fought to help others feel some sense of community.

Equally as traumatizing as fearing an NDA are the after-effects of negotiating out of an NDA. Feeling free to heal whichever way is appropriate for victims of workplace violence, and the institutional betrayal that comes with it, should never be a negotiation. No wrongdoer should ever have the opportunity to be in a place to tell the other side how they’ll move forward.

I spoke publicly about my experiences during the more than three-year investigation process because I actually felt jailed from doing so. The moment I felt free from silence is when I knew that I could heal without feeling pushed to necessarily “go public” in the way of demanding justice, and potentially being mistaken for defaming my former employer.

The concept of being able to share my experiences on my own terms in ways that are healthy for myself and for society, is what set me free from pain psychologically. Despite feeling embarrassed that I was left to negotiate my own voice, not being bound to an NDA has saved me. The principle of telling my experiences aloud is empowering. I don’t have to, but I can.

I want politicians to know that even though two instances of sexual harassment and one sexual assault occurred in my former workplace, the failures on the employer’s part afterwards is what damaged me the most. Further, the employer’s ability to build on secretly diminish facts, policing their own processes and abusing power should never have been left to them.

The lack of legislation on NDAs continues to let abuse prevail.

My employer had focused so much of their power on abuse and silencing me as an employee who had rave reviews instead of focusing their power on integrity: a crucial piece of their own public-service mandate. They didn’t lose sight of their mandate; there was simply no legislation in place to hold them accountable.

Power-hungry employers currently hold discretion to mandate silence in exchange for damages, or whatever the outcome might be. NDAs shouldn’t even be on the table anywhere in Canada due to the trauma they ignite. They’re used as a scare tactic, and sometimes they’re like a death sentence for those who would only otherwise heal if they could feel free. NDAs are divisive, they’re immoral and NDAs will never allow for true reparation in any type of setting.

I should have never had to face the employer again in fear knowing that it was up to their own discretion to enact an NDA. Somewhere along the way a table turned. Maybe I got lucky. Maybe someone out there persuaded them my way. I can’t share the conversation I had with my employer in mediation, but what matters now is that politicians know how healing not being bound to an NDA has been for me in my growth.

I’ve gained trust in others again. Specifically workplace managers, and old men. (It was an old man who lifted up my shirt).

I finally fell in love with myself after being ashamed of what had happened to me.

I’ve taken risks that have led me to opportunity.

I have more compassion for the world around me than I ever have.

Now, just think… those who are currently tied to an NDA might not feel this way. Most won’t be able to tell you why. I know many tied to an NDA who’ve never found success anywhere in life again. A few whom I know never got married, and they don’t plan to. Their lives are shattered.